Something Real
I've filled many notebooks with things no one has ever read. The things I post or print for the public are typically a lot different than the things no one has ever seen. Many times I've said that I want to have an effect on people through my writing. Lately I've been thinking, what if the things I write just for me could mean something for someone else. This post is for the words only read by me, for something different, and for everything I decided to hold in over the past year.
Because of the past, I developed serious trust issues and a fear of getting close to people. I spent the past year building a wall of protection. I turned to writing instead of people. Writing was the one thing I knew wouldn't walk out of my life. I couldn't let people into my life, and I wouldn't ever let anyone fully get to know me. I feared them leaving, and taking a piece of me with them. I chose to bottle everything up inside of me, and keep the world out. I pushed away anyone that tried to really connect with me, being someone new, my friends, and often even my mom. I chose not to talk. When I couldn't hold things in anymore my words exploded across tear stained pages. There is nothing more true than the words I wrote when I couldn't handle my life. I was aware of what I was doing, but I didn't realize just how bad it had become until one day someone asked me if I would ever let anyone in again.
Something about those words really got my attention. I typically write about the end result of the things I go through on my blog, but that isn't the case this time. This is something I deal with daily. I'm a work in progress. Trying to let someone really get to know me has been very difficult. I haven't done that in over a year, but I really am trying, and it has been for the best. I'm trying to slowly let my wall down, and be a bit more trusting. I still prefer to write instead of talk, but talking seems to make the ones that care worry about me a little less.
My biggest goal at this point is to truly leave the past behind. I'm tired of running from the pain. I'm tired of saying it's nothing, when it's something. I'm tired of being scared to live my life to the fullest just because I'm scared of falling again. It's time to leave it all behind for new things. I just have to know that it will be okay if those things leave too.
"Sometimes you become so used to living with the hurt that it feels wrong to be happy" -One Tree Hill.
This post is dedicated to progress, and leaving the past behind. Written for the person that told me they wanted to read something real.
XOXO, Brooklyn
Because of the past, I developed serious trust issues and a fear of getting close to people. I spent the past year building a wall of protection. I turned to writing instead of people. Writing was the one thing I knew wouldn't walk out of my life. I couldn't let people into my life, and I wouldn't ever let anyone fully get to know me. I feared them leaving, and taking a piece of me with them. I chose to bottle everything up inside of me, and keep the world out. I pushed away anyone that tried to really connect with me, being someone new, my friends, and often even my mom. I chose not to talk. When I couldn't hold things in anymore my words exploded across tear stained pages. There is nothing more true than the words I wrote when I couldn't handle my life. I was aware of what I was doing, but I didn't realize just how bad it had become until one day someone asked me if I would ever let anyone in again.
Something about those words really got my attention. I typically write about the end result of the things I go through on my blog, but that isn't the case this time. This is something I deal with daily. I'm a work in progress. Trying to let someone really get to know me has been very difficult. I haven't done that in over a year, but I really am trying, and it has been for the best. I'm trying to slowly let my wall down, and be a bit more trusting. I still prefer to write instead of talk, but talking seems to make the ones that care worry about me a little less.
My biggest goal at this point is to truly leave the past behind. I'm tired of running from the pain. I'm tired of saying it's nothing, when it's something. I'm tired of being scared to live my life to the fullest just because I'm scared of falling again. It's time to leave it all behind for new things. I just have to know that it will be okay if those things leave too.
"Sometimes you become so used to living with the hurt that it feels wrong to be happy" -One Tree Hill.
This post is dedicated to progress, and leaving the past behind. Written for the person that told me they wanted to read something real.
XOXO, Brooklyn
Comments